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Achieving the female orgasm
Belgrade, 5. August 2010
I believe it is a legitimate concern of every man to have the ability to sexually satisfy the women with whom he has a love relationship. To "satisfy" specifically means: to bring her to an orgasm.
For women, orgasms are not as self-understood as they are for men. For a young man not to experience orgasm and ejaculation, something must be seriously wrong. For a man, sexual problems may develop as he ages. It is not uncommon for a man to experience some degree of erectile dysfunction from the age of around 40. And the frequency of orgasms may drop from several a day as a teenager to once a month as a pensioner.
But many women do not experience orgasms until their mid-twenties, and a good number actually spend their whole lives without ever having one.
I have a global perspective of the topic. I grew up in Europe and became a young adult during the years of the so-called sexual revolution, end of the 1960's. However, I have been living in Asia from the early 1980's, and Southeast Asia is currently my home.
To a certain degree, female orgasms are culture-dependent. I have no doubt that in Western culture (Europe, the Americas, Australia), female orgasms now occur at a considerably higher frequency per woman than they do in Asia. And I bet a fortune that they occur more often per women in the countries of Malay culture (Malaysia, Indonesia, the Philippines) than in Indian or Chinese culture.
The point is: while for men, orgasms occur rather automatically, women in every culture first have to develop their orgasmic potential. In order to do so, they will, to start with, have to be aware of their orgasmic potential.
The first reason why women in Western cultures (after the sexual revolution) experience orgasms at a higher frequency than in Asia is their better awareness of the orgasmic potential of women.
Women who altogether don't know that they are capable of experiencing orgasms are less likely to ever achieve one. This kind of sexual ignorance is quite common in India outside of the middle and upper classes. On the other hand, in Chinese culture (which includes Northern neighbors such as Korea and Mongolia, as well as Southern ones such as Vietnam), you will find a wide prevalence of the assumption that sexual intercourse is something enjoyed by men, and for the opportunity of which men provide material support for women.
This is not an attitude conducive to female orgasms. Women who don't know that orgasms can happen to them (as in non-urban Indian culture), or who are not interested that they happen (as in traditional Chinese culture), are much less likely to achieve them.
Of all Asian cultures, the Malay one (Malaysia, Indonesia, the Philippines) is the one that has put up the least psychological barriers against female orgasms.
In Malay culture, there is clear awareness that women can experience orgasms, and that, furthermore, it is important for a harmonious relationship that not only men experience orgasms, but women as well. This is already a giant step forward from the non-urban Indian and traditional Chinese situation.
While the approach to female orgasm is highly culture-dependent, the physiological basis of every woman is not. What it takes for women to experience orgasms, and for men to facilitate their occurrence, is largely the same, whether in Western, Malay, Chinese, and even prudish Indian culture.
It is recognized in Western medical and psychological science that early female masturbation (as teenagers) is conducive to a woman's capability not only to experience orgasm at all, but also to experience orgasm together with a partner, at least when the focus is on clitoral orgasms. The female genitals, so the theory goes, need more experimental manipulation than the male genitals if they are to be conditioned to facilitate orgasms.
In the Western world, the general perception now is that it is ok for both boys and girls to masturbate. This, of course, is a new development. Some mere 50 years back, masturbation was, throughout the Christian, Western world, as much a taboo as it still is now in all Asian cultures, even the Malay one.
While in the Western world, reliable statistic data suggests that a large number (more than half, but less than all) of girls and women do masturbate, it is impossible to assess how widespread it is in Asian cultures. Limitations to the practice (which is considered healthy by many Western sexologists) arise not only from psychological barriers and social taboos but also from very profane causes such as the fact that most girls and women seldom sleep in a room of their own.
Unmarried, they usually share a room and bed with one or more sisters or female relatives. And when married, an Asian woman obviously has a husband, and soon a baby, by her side.
Furthermore, it is a common habit in Asia not to turn off the electric lights at night. Thus, Asian girls and women certainly have less opportunity to masturbate than do their sisters in the West. Toilet masturbation may work for boys, but even in Western countries with a high sexual awareness among girls, they will usually find the surrounding not sufficiently appealing.
On the other hand, a girl or woman determined to masturbate will find an opportunity to do so occasionally. But there is less likelihood of a routine pattern as it exists for boys and girls in the Western world who often masturbate every evening before falling asleep.
This article is about the female orgasm, and about what men can do to bring their female partners to a sexual climax. So, why this discussion about female masturbation?
I discuss female masturbation because it often is a determining factor as to how and how easily a woman can experience orgasm together with a man.
Women who can reach a climax through masturbation are more likely to be able to also reach a climax together with a man, especially if the techniques that are applied by the man bear some similarity to the techniques used by the girl / woman during masturbation.
There is less variety in female masturbation techniques than there is in lovemaking techniques of a male / female couple. Almost all girls and women who do masturbate do so via manual stimulation of the clitoris. This is occasionally accompanied by the insertion of a finger or object into the vagina.
Girls and women who masturbate usually have fewer problems achieving an orgasm together with a male partner than those who don't, provided the male partner uses a lovemaking technique which is similar to the masturbation technique applied by the girl or woman herself. Basically, this means that the man ought to concentrate on clitoral stimulation rather than vaginal penetration.
For every man and every woman, there are psychogenic and physiogenic aspects in reaching orgasm. Psychogenic factors are those that originate in the brain; they are tied to sexual imaginations. Physiogenic factors are those connected to genital sensations.
Men and women can be stimulated to orgasm through genital stimulation even if the psychogenic stimulation originating from their partner is rather poor (sexual fantasies can then be dissociated from the actual partner).
Most men, especially married man, are familiar with a situation in which they have intercourse with their wife but imagine their neighbor's daughter. Even though their minds are dissociated from the person with whom they have intercourse, this can be great sex. At least the respective routine partner is aware of the man's preferred physiogenic stimulation. Thus, sex with a routine partner while imagining a new partner can be better than sex actually would be with the previously imagined new person.
If anything, the capability of many women to dissociate psychogenic stimulation (sexual imaginations) from physiogenic stimulation (what happens to their genitals) is better developed than the capability of men in the same department.
To sufficiently relax for reaching a climax, a woman needs to be with a man with whom she is comfortable and feels safe. This must not necessarily be the man to whom she is sexually most attracted.
In their interactions with their preferred men (who may even be their husbands), women are seldom honest. For what? Husbands don't understand it if wives imagine other men during intercourse with their husbands (even though husbands themselves frequently imagine other women during sexual intercourse with their wives).
Because wives suspect their husbands to have little tolerance for them imagining other men, wives typically see little reason to tell their husbands about their "dirty" fantasies. After all, this is a kind of unfaithfulness that can only be discovered through careless talk on the part of the wife.
Penis size
How important is penis size for a man to satisfy a woman? It is important, but not in the way, most men suspect. Whether a man will become a women's preferred partner, or husband, will typically not depend on penis size but rather practical qualities: is he pleasant company, a nice guy, somebody to have kids with? In poorer countries, a major aspect will be whether he can support a family, or simply his material status.
The experience of most women is that it is easier to find somebody to hop to bed with once or twice than somebody with whom they like to wake up with on many days to come, preferably until death. Therefore, purely sexual qualities, including penis size, play only a minor role in the female choice for a permanent partner.
But then, partner choice and sexual choice are not the same thing. A good number of women choose their permanent male partners on the basis of practical, non-sexual qualities... and move their sexual choice into the realm of imagination. Which is why women often are not sexually in love with the man they're with.
However, some women are not inclined to choose their partners for practical qualities but are guided by their thirst for sexual love. How important is penis size in such a setting?
Again, for the initial choice of the woman, penis size will not be of concern, simply because a decision in favor or against a first sexual encounter will be made before the size of a man's erect organ is known to her. Before the first intercourse, for a man to be overall good looking is clearly more important than to project expectations of being hung like a bull.
It is only beyond the first sexual intercourse that penis size becomes a quality in favor of a well-endowed man.
While they are not a majority, some women do climax during penetrative sex without additional manual stimulation of the clitoris. Whether they will reach a climax or not will primarily depend on the technique they, the women, will apply, and on the physical condition of the male partner.
The most promising technique for most (but not all) women to reach an orgasm during penetrative intercourse is for her to be riding on him, not the standard position of him on top and doing the moving. In a position with her on top, she is the one determining the angle and depth of the penetration, as well as the rhythm of movements. In such a position, the role of the man is largely reduced to providing a good, strong, and if possible, large erection for a sufficient period of time, which is in the range of 10 minutes
>Unfortunately, most men are not good at this. The average length of penetrative intercourse is two to two-and-one-half minutes in the standard position, which suggests that both the two-and-one-half minute time frame and the standard position are most suited for male pleasure.
A large number of untrained men will find it difficult to maintain a strong erection for some 10 minutes when lying on their back and just being used by a riding female partner. But those who can provide true rigidity for some 10 minutes or longer, and are endowed with an impressively large member, can be pretty sure to be regarded as something like a "true man" by their female partners, and, yes, to be loved for their qualities as lover.
Such lover's qualities can be trained with specific programs that are available on the Internet. These programs primarily aim at increasing penis size, but better stamina and better orgasm control can also be achieved through them.
Graphic and verbal pornography
While some woman can be brought to, or can bring themselves to, an orgasm through vaginal penetration, a combination of psychogenic and clitoral stimulation is what works best for most women.
Clitoral stimulation can be of two kinds, manual and lingual. Psychogenic stimulation can be facilitated through pornographic films, pictures, and literature.
I take pride in a global approach. I am aware that in many countries outside the Western world, pornography is outlawed, and that in some countries in the Middle East, merely possessing pornographic material is risky business indeedIn some countries, even oral sex is prohibited, but as oral sex, unlike the use of pornography for psychogenic stimulation, does not leave material traces, the chances of a conviction are minimal.
While printed or recorded pornography in any form usually works fine for psychogenic stimulation of a female partner and indeed can prepare the stage for a woman's orgasm, even the first one in her life, ad hoc-created verbal pornography can be just as efficient. It can even be better, as it can insert a specific dosage of jealousy.
Jealousy
For the jealousy kind of psychogenic stimulation, a man just talks about previous sexual experience with other girls or women. Obviously, not every man has a talent for spinning stories. But a line like "You sometimes remind me of a girl I once knew..." should be enough to arouse her interest and to get a conversation going, which in turn not only arouses her interest but her sexual and orgasmic motivation as well.
If she is smart enough, and provided you live in a culture where female promiscuity is legally permitted, she can play the same game with you. How about being told that her former boyfriend had an 8-inches cock, which caused her fantastic orgasms.
Ouch, that hurts. But it's also a great incentive for another round, another orgasm (for you, not for her, even though you would happily trade five of yours if only you could engineer such a "fantastic" one for her... the kind, she said she experienced on her former lover's 8-inch member).
You wouldn't be half as jealous if she were to praise her former boyfriend for the skillful manner in which he used an, albeit undersized, penis to cause her multiple orgasms. You probably even wouldn't take her serious. Let him be skillful; never mind as long as your dick is dicker (the German word for increased circumference).
We are back at penis size.
It may be true that most women, especially young women, cannot be brought to an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, regardless of whether a small or a large penis attempts the feat. However, large penises also play a role in psychogenic stimulation, not just the vaginal one.
While live penises are actually not involved in female masturbation, the imaginations of most masturbating women still circulate around penises, and penises performing vaginal penetration, and it's usually not small penises that are imagined.
And then there is sexual imagination that falls short of actual masturbation, and the sexual imagination of women who have never reached a climax in their whole life. Western psychologists preach their clients that, no, size doesn't matter. But their job description doesn't require them to tell us the truth. Their job description specifies that they are around to turn their clients into functioning members of society, free from inferiority complexes, regardless of how justified feelings of inferiority may be in an actual case.
As most women are easier to bring to a climax through oral sex than through genital penetration, Western sexologists have been educating the Western public to focus on this avenue in order to assure the female part of the population of their sexual satisfaction.
But even women who can easily reach orgasm through manual or lingual stimulation of the clitoris often do enjoy penetrative sex, not only for the psychogenic stimulation they derive from it, but also for the particular physiological sensation of fullness, which penetrative sex provides. And they would love to know how a vaginal orgasm might feel.
I am not quite sure whether women with a history of masturbated orgasms and purely clitoral orgasms (through digital stimulation or cunnilingus), or women who do not masturbate and refuse non-penetrative stimulation, are better positioned to experience vaginal orgasms. Both scenarios are possible.
We can assume that women who do masturbate have better knowledge of the genital functioning of their bodies, and therefore may be more capable to guide their bodies towards orgasm even when the clitoral stimulation they are used to is absent.
On the other hand, women who don't take the easy, clitoral route towards orgasm may build up more tension, which may contribute to a lower orgasmic threshold during penetrative sex.
While I am undecided on the above topic, I am sure that women who do not masturbate, and refuse clitoral stimulation by a partner, are much more focused on penis size than those women who have a self-service approach.
In some countries of Southeast Asia, such as Malaysia, one of the first associations made when people see a couple consisting of a Western man and a local woman is that, wow, she got herself a big tool to play with.
Pharmacological help
Orgasm, male or femalhysiological event, and this means that ultimately, it is a chemical one. There are a good number of medications that enhance orgasm intensity and orgasm duration, such as cabergoline and bromocriptine.
However, these drugs usually do not work when the aim is to facilitate an orgasm for a woman who normally does not have one.
It has taken me a lot of research to discover an existing medication that can be used for that purpose. Its effect is to lower orgasmic threshold. This is different from enhancing orgasm intensity.
Female feedback
The following is a comment from a female reader. I’m not sure whether her experience is equal to that of other women, so I’d like to have comments from other female readers.
"Women from infancy through adulthood touch their vulva and clitoris and orgasm via masturbation from a young age. I have had multiple orgasms via masturbation, daily from age 7 until my first intercourse at age 19 - when I had an instant orgasm with intercourse. This occurred without any digital manipulation of the clitoris - the "Look Ma - no hands" style of intercourse. I have practiced clitoral-based intercourse since the age of 19 - for 33 years. I have had 1 - 4 orgasms with this method - each time. In this method of intercourse - the focus is primarily on the woman's vulva - the inner labia; the mons veneris; the first third of the vagina and the clitoris. The man does not move in and out - but up and down - moving to simultaneously stimulate the clitoris and the vulva. He follows the woman's movement and this promotes the woman's orgasms - very quickly and effectively each time - in less than 2 minutes. When she's done - he may move to his orgasm - if he wishes. This is an equal and anatomically correct intercourse.
"If this cannot be accomplished by a woman and a man - then outercourse is the equal and appropriate solution. Intercourse should never be a male-defined activity - as it has been since the 18th century. This is inappropriate. It should be a male and female defined activity that promotes the orgasms of both sexes. If not - then outercourse is the safer and equal solution - especially in the age of STD'S and HIV. Penetrative sex should never be just for the man - its only requirement is for procreation. For a man to expect this for his orgasms and NOT for the woman's - is TOTALLY inappropriate.
Aside from this - your article neglected to mention the myriad of problems that males suffer from. According to Bernie Zilbergeld - a Western sex therapist - 63% of all males suffer from the following sexual dysfunctions: impotence; premature ejaculation; retarded ejaculation; ejaculatory incompetence; retrograde ejaculation and loss of libido. I would assume that the males of the East also have these problems, too."